Does a Lack of Confidence Ever Hold You Back?
Daily Habits To Grow Your Self-Confidence
Confidence (or conversely, a sense of lacking confidence) is something we talk about a lot as boudoir photographers. So many of our clients will enquire into doing a photoshoot for themselves, but will express fears around ‘not being confident enough’.
When certain narratives swim around and around in our mind for years, it makes perfect sense that we’d start to believe those things! So of course you might not feel confident enough right now… your brain has been trying to convince you that you’re not, and has probably tried to prevent you from doing things that don’t fall in line with those beliefs. Those narratives come from so many different places - past experiences, society telling us that we’re just not enough, etc, and they can feel incredibly strong.
Once we understand the driving force behind why we might not be feeling as confident as we’d like to, where do we actually go from there? How do we step out of our own way, and start living life as the confident, powerful, and badass version of ourselves that we truly are?
To put it simply: practice and repetition.
Confidence is 100% a practice. Although we might think that some people are born with an innate sense of confidence, that’s often not actually the case! Confidence is a commitment, an ongoing practice, a skill, and something that takes time to build and develop. It might sound counter-intuitive, but *doing* things that make us feel confident actually allows ourselves to shift our internal perspective, and as a result, to truly change our feelings.
If you’re familiar with the principles behind cognitive behavioural therapy, you’ll know that the way we act and behave can have a huge impact on our thoughts and emotions. Most of the time, we’ve *learned* to think certain things about ourselves, others and the world. And in the same way that we’ve gradually learned those narratives, we can learn new ones for ourselves.
What does this actually look like?
It’s making small, manageable changes to what we do and how we think, and continuing to commit to those changes over time. In other words, giving yourself permission to treat yourself like the confident and capable person you actually are!
There are a few things you can do each and every day to nourish your own inner confidence:
Use positive affirmations in a genuine way
I’m sure you’ve heard the people who will tell you to repeat to yourself that you’re an amazing, beautiful, incredible person. Although these things are absolutely true, it’s difficult sometimes to shift from a head space where we don’t believe those things at all about ourselves, to engaging with a thought that is 100% positive. Saying these kinds of affirmations to ourselves can in fact sometimes leave us feeling worse when our confidence isn’t so great, because it just seems way too different to our current beliefs about ourselves - and because of that, our mind can easily dismiss them as ‘unreasonable/unrealistic’.
For affirmations to genuinely make a difference, sometimes the most helpful thing is to start in a place that resonates more. That might be something like “I’m proud of how far I’ve come”, “I can choose to let go of negative feelings about myself”, “I’m not just my size or weight, I’m a whole person”, “My confidence is shown through my actions and personality, not my appearance”. It’s about finding a statement/affirmation that resonates with you.
Look at yourself in the mirror more often, but shift your focus
If body image is something that has impacted your sense of confidence, this can be one that feels tricky to change. And it comes back to what we mentioned earlier about how our behaviours can impact our thoughts and the way we ultimately feel about ourselves. If the only times you tend to look at yourself in the mirror are when you’re getting dressed and not really paying much attention, or when you’re actively criticising yourself, your brain is only receiving negative messages.
Make time each day to look in a mirror and invite yourself to notice something positive that you like - it doesn’t matter how small or insignificant it might seem at first. It could be that you like your long eyelashes, or that you have smooth/soft skin on the backs of your hands. But find something genuine. It’s probably going to feel unbelievably strange and foreign at first, and that’s completely ok! But the more you do this on a regular basis, the more natural it will begin to feel. And in time, those positive thoughts will start to become a lot more automatic than the negative ones.
Combat self-criticism with self-compassion
Although body image is a particular example, this action of eliminating self-criticism and introducing self-compassion is something that can be useful across almost every realm of your life. Are you a person who berates yourself for not doing things perfectly, for not being as productive as you’d like to be, for not responding to that Facebook message from a friend that has been in your inbox for a week, for not keeping the house as clean as you feel you should? Every single one of these instances is an opportunity to reframe your thinking.
When you notice yourself having that thought of “I should have done XYZ”, acknowledge the thought, but try thinking about or reframing the situation from another perspective - “I might not have done XYZ, but I was feeling exhausted… I’m prioritising self-care by not trying to do everything at once”. If that doesn’t feel quite right for yourself, another great way is to ask yourself what you might say to a close friend or loved one if they were in your situation. When we put a lid on the thoughts that bring us down and leave us feeling badly about ourselves, we give ourselves the proper space to build up our own confidence.
Stop apologising for things that really don’t require an apology
You know those times when you send an email or message to someone, and it starts with “Hi! I was just wondering…” or “Hey, sorry to bother you…”? It’s an understandable and very human trait to not want to burden or upset others, but when we find ourselves apologising for every little thing, we’re almost teaching our brain that we should be apologising for taking up space… or apologising for just existing. Saying ‘sorry’ when there’s a genuine reason to is absolutely a great thing to do, but when we’re running a couple of minutes late to catch up with a friend, or we need to ask someone for help with a small task, etc, an apology might not be the best option.
Instead, thank the other person. Rather than saying “I’m so sorry for taking so long to make up my mind about that decision”, say “Thank you for your patience while I figured out what was best”. Expressing gratitude is not only a way of leaving the other person feeling valued and cared about, but it’s also a way of existing that gives you permission to be a human being too.
This is something that we can use with respect to how we feel about our bodies as well. We often spend a lot of time feeling apologetic for how our bodies exist in the world - feeling as though they’re not fit/toned enough, not dressed in nice enough clothes, etc. How would it feel to shift the focus to thanking your body for the things that it allows you to do? For the beach-side walks it takes you on, for the hugs it’s helped you give your friends/family when they’ve been sad, for the times it’s allowed you to connect in intimate ways with people you love.
Review your strengths and past achievements
If you’re anything like Jasper and I, you might be someone whose brain is a bit of a trapbox when it comes to previous mistakes, times you might have made a fool of yourself, or things you wish you could have done differently. But when we allow ourselves to focus entirely on those kinds of past experiences, we’re viewing ourselves through a particular lens that doesn’t fully capture us as people. We all have strengths, and we’ve all achieved some pretty amazing things in our lives - we just don’t often give ourselves time and space to actively reflect on those things.
One fantastic way to really support your self-confidence is to be proactive in thinking about your own strengths. This could be absolutely anything: your artistic ability, leadership skills, sense of humour, ability to be flexible and to problem-solve, to give sage advice to others, to be adventurous, or even just being one of those people who is comfortable sitting in silence with another person who might be upset. I know that you DO have strengths, and that you in fact have a LOT of them. How do you feel if you give yourself some space to reflect on those qualities now? How does it feel when you think about past situations where you displayed those strengths, or where they were able to help you/someone else? How might those strengths be able to help you move forward in other areas of your life now?
I know that every single client who has ever booked in for a boudoir photoshoot with us has a myriad of strengths they probably didn’t even realise. Doing things that are scary is hard, and it requires resilience, bravery, and the choice to take a risk in spite of the nerves and anxiety that might be there. But their individual strengths helped build the foundation of confidence that enabled them to have the experiences they wanted - and yours can too.
Consider your needs and boundaries
Although needs and boundaries might not sound like the sexiest concepts, they really form the foundation of crafting a life that you enjoy living and feeling confident within yourself. Often, the best way to identify what your needs and desires are, and what things you’d want to say hell yes to vs what things you’d rather give a miss, is self-reflection. Whether that’s through journaling, meditation, or just considering and reflecting upon things mentally, it’s such an important step in understanding and asking for what we need in life. And when you live your life authentically, that’s the true bedrock of unshakable confidence.
And lastly… do a boudoir photoshoot :P
So this might not be one you can technically practice ‘daily’, but so many of our clients tell us that after their photoshoot, they find themselves flicking through their album or pausing in front of the wall art they have hanging in their living room. For them, it’s a reminder of something they achieved - of having stepped (often WAY) outside of their comfort zone, and remembering what it felt like to genuinely feel confident within themselves. But whether it’s a boudoir photoshoot or something else entirely, doing something that makes you feel truly like yourself is a fantastic place to start.
